Oh, What a Riot!
by ApplePie777
Summary: Madcap Marauders? Serious Sirius? A female marauder? A LUMBERJACK? Peter hunted by elephantine fangirls? Scandals and rampaging cliches? It can only be a PieToTheIzzle TM parody of Marauder-era fics. Let the mocking begin!
1. The Longwinded Intro and a Lumberjack

_A/N: For the record, I do not hate Peter as a teenager and I'm not a Sirius fangirl. But many cliché fics are written by girls just like that, so here goes. _

_And I know this seems a lot like my fic Blazing Eyeballs…etc, but it's different. Both are Marauder-era cliché-mocking parody fics, however. So enjoy, and laugh! :)_

**Chapter 1: The Long-winded Introduction and a Random Lumberjack**

Sirius was staring outside the window. He was oh mah gawd, totally hawt!

Now, the author tiresomely describes the world for us, assuming that the readers haven't ever read this type of fic before.

He shared a room with his lovely friends. The first and most important (other than Sirius because he's hot and we all know that's what counts, right gals?) being the charming, Lily-loving, buff, adorably arrogant James "Prongs" Potter.

Next, Remus "Moony" Lupin, a shy, nervous boy that quivered violently when spoken to and turned heart-attack-red when spoken to by a member of the female category. He was very pale and thin and may or may not have suffered from PMS (pre-moon sickness. Aren't I a jolly little thing to come up with that?) Right now, he was suffering from a furry little problem. Oh, don't make that face at me, you know I don't mean that he was hairy! (everyone giggles dutifully, horribly, and shrilly.)

Noooo, it was much worse than that. What could be possibly be worse than that? You guessed it, he was a werewolf‼!

Dun dun DUN‼‼

But don't stress it, nobody minded, let alone his future girlfriend who would be as beautiful as she was compassionate and would die horrificially at some vague point in time so a certain young lady by the name of Nymphadora Tonks can step in and keep things canon.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, long-winded introduction!

So there was a third friend, but I can't remember his name…..hmmmm…who could that insignificant being possibly be?!?

Oh yes, little Peter Pettigrew. This little rat was as ugly as his friends were hot, and nobody liked him. Not even his friends. They used him for a punching bag, but he didn't mind. He just grinned stupidly at everything they said. They all hated him because they can apparently see the future, and it was dark, my friend, dark. Why, you ask? Oh, if only you knew, there is a good reason. A VERY good reason. But we won't tell you.

…

Oh, what the heck, we will. Peter, we hate you. Stinkin' little rat! Killing our beloved beautiful fantasy boy! Fangirls never forget, my boy, they never forget. Same with elephants, but don't confuse the two. They both may stampede and trumpet ever so often, but remember: elephants have BIG _EARS_. Fangirls have BIG _SQUEALS_. Got it? Okay, good.

So Sirius was sitting and staring out the window. Teenage boys don't have much to do.

He looked uncommonly serious.

…

Did you see that? I said "serious." Do you get it? Serious, Sirius? Get it? Huh, huh? Get it?

Aren't I just bloody hilarious? Oh gosh, I crack myself up. Serious, Sirius‼! ! *wipes eyes* Gosh. Never gets old.

He was thinking about The Female Marauder ™. Her name was Alison McBride, but everyone called her Fire due to her hot temper (hot in more ways than one, hehe) and long, wavy, dark red hair. They also called her many other things, like "bitch" and "slut" (by the girls) and "gorgeous mermaid fairy angel siren beauty kitten sex-bunny" (by the boys), but let's not go there. Let's go back to Sirius, who is the most important boy in the school after all. Fire was beautiful, but she thought of him as a friend!

She never understood that his wild sexing up of every girl in the castle (including Minerva McGonagall, the lady was a wildcat back in her day) was just a harmless outlet for his love for her! Despite his constant attempts to murder every boy that looked her way, poison her boyfriends, and subtly make out with her, she rebuffed him constantly.

He couldn't understand it. What girl wouldn't fall for his mad good looks and man-whorishness? It was just too shmexy. Unable to find a live mammal with boobs, he had wild sex with a nearby duck (a tree joined in later) to pour out his sorrows. With every passionate thrust, he called Fire's name.

A few miles, away, Jordan Brinkley, a lumberjack, was woken up from his evening nap and heard the passionate calls. He heard them. And understood them. He did what any compassionate man would in the same situation.

His hand trembling with excitement, he could barely hold it still.

But he managed to maneuver his hand where it needed to go.

Jordan Brinkley called 911.

_Ooooh, the suspense! What will aforementioned random lumberjack do? Why is he in this story? Find out all these answers and more in….the next chapter‼! Which is partially written, by the way. _


	2. Jordan Calls, and Fire Pwns Sirius

_From last time:_

_He couldn't understand it. What girl wouldn't fall for his mad good looks and man-whorishness? It was just too shmexy. Unable to find a live mammal with boobs, he had wild sex with a nearby duck (a tree joined in later) to pour out his sorrows. With every passionate thrust, he called Fire's name. _

_A few miles, away, Jordan Brinkley, a lumberjack, was woken up from his evening nap and heard the passionate calls. He heard them. And understood them. He did what any compassionate man would in the same situation. _

_His hand trembling with excitement, he could barely hold it still. _

_But he managed to maneuver his hand where it needed to go. _

_Jordan Brinkley called 911. _

**Jordan Takes the Call, and Fire Pwns Sirius**

**Jordan**: 'Lo? The police 'ere? Urm, I 'erd some noises, like "fire‼ OOOH, fire! Oh, baby!" from the forest.

**Jordan**: Yalp, sounded like an 'uman being.

**Jordan**: I heard some quackin' too, but my 'earing hain't what it used to be, hoho.

**Jordan**: You mean that that guy cryin' out meant that there's a forest fire?

**Jordan**: What do you mean, what did I think he meant? It was BAWBVIOUS that that guy was getting' naughty with a duck.

**Jordan**: I mean, here I am –

**Jordan**: Okay, you'll be there soon? Forest fire indeed, duck and man's what it is –

**Jordan**: Okay, bye-bye. Nice talking with you, though you still waldn't see 'bout the duck-

**Jordan**: Did you just hang up on me?!? Well, I'll be gosh darn dangnabbit golly gee whiz flipped upside a tree! Oh well, thar mighta been a fire somewhar.

Half an hour later, Sirius exited his dorm to go to supper, understandably disturbed at seeing strange men in red rubber coats wildly spraying the duck that he had shared an…ahem, moment with (the duck was incidentally named Sir Henry Quackerjack IV). Since Sirius has a rare disease, called Moronitis, he didn't care if poor Sir Henry Quackerjack IV survived, much like he didn't care about any of his other girlfriends. Except Fire, though she wasn't his girlfriend. Well, she was a girl, and was a friend, but the little tiny space in the middle makes a world of a difference.

Sirius sighed and flipped his hair. A few girls following him (he had made it to dinner during his contemplation of girlfriends and girl friends) swooned in sheer delight.

He flung them aside impatiently and gobbled so fast, that he inhaled his plate of food, the one next to his, both the plates, the silverware, and a few fangirls before finding James, Remus, and um…that fat little guy (Pee-turd Petticoat, hehe).

James was in the process of asking out Lily Evans, described oh so beautifully in the previous chapter. Fire was much like her in looks and personality, except much prettier, cleverer, and nicer.

And she didn't bite her nails. (1)

James was rejected again and Lily slapped him again. Did you ever consider the long-term impact of this child-abuse?

James had a permanent handprint on his face and wore a puppy-dog face. He cried every night and suffered emotionally from the trauma. He grew thin and sobbed pitifully after being rejected. He refused to eat unless Remus and hand-fed him using airplane noises and Peter was not in the room.

Lily was less traumatized, but she wore her snottiest face at all times in case James walked in the room (even when she was alone. You never know where he might pop up. He had appeared in the showers a couple times and Lily was taking no risks).

Her heart hardened like a piece of gum stuck under a desk and left for two years, whereupon an innocent child finds it and is scarred for life.

She became……………the ICE QUEEN‼‼

What about Sirius, the real reason why you're reading this, eh? Well, he was walking up to Fire to have a causal chat with her.

He walked up, sat down next to her, glanced appreciatively at her…new shirt, and said in a smooth, smooth voice: "Hey fugly, any luck with your Potions homework?"

She grinned. It blinded him for a second, where he blinked very very stupidly into space for a few seconds until he could recover.

"No, Mr. Vanity, but at least I didn't copy off Moony," she snapped.

Ahhh, now we see. It's a love/hate relationship. Do you see a pattern here? Love/hate, fiery hair, fiery temper? I'm willing to bet that the only reason Lily isn't Fire is because Lily is canonically married to James.

The couple vigorously bantered for a few more minutes. The only reason I don't write this down is because I care about you, dear reader. I care about your sanity. Suffice to say, the pair insulted each other in lamer and lamer ways until they resorted to insulting the other's "grandmother's face's face's uncle-twice-removed's face's mom's face." Fire won with that zinger.

Love hurts, they say.

_No offense to lumberjacks intended, I assure you. Feedback is appreciated! _

_I hope you like the duck. I like him, and I created him for goodness sake! I guess he's just a charismatic quacker. ;)_

_**Footnotes:**_

_**(1): **__See my fic "Emerald Orbs Meet Hazel Eyeballs in Blazing Love." Yes, I did just go there.___


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